The Jam Doughnut that Ruined My Life by Mark Lowery

The last of our shortlisted titles in the CBA Books for Younger Readers category, here Mark Lowery tells us about The Jam Doughnut that Ruined My Life.

People often ask me why I wrote a book about a doughnut that ruins someone’s life. In fact, you’d be amazed at how cross people get about it. Almost every day a complete stranger will scream in my face, or tickle me until I bleed, or burp in my eyes, or even throw a pigeon at my head. And all because I’ve been “cruel to doughnuts”.

Apparently doughnuts are “nice”.

They “wouldn’t harm a fly”.

Some people even tell me they’re “delicious”.

Well they’re not.

They’re nastier than a lunchbox full of angry headlice.

I was once bitten by one in Asda. And I can tell you it wrecked. There was blood EVERYWHERE. Or maybe it was jam. But that’s not important – it was red and sticky and that’s all that matters.

Then, of course, you’ve probably heard of the many doughnut legends. Well they’re all true and I know this because they’ve happened to my own family. Every full-moon, my father goes through a terrible change. His skin becomes crusty. His blood turns to custard. Sugary sprinkles ooze out of his pores. He becomes . . . a WERE-DOUGHNUT.

Den-den-derrrrrrrrr!

Stalking through the shadows on his stumpy, doughy legs, he attacks innocent vegetables, turning them into deep-fried, sugary treats. Seriously. We have to lock him in the fridge once a month for the safety of healthy food everywhere.

And don’t even get me started on the gangs of vicious doughnuts who rampage through our cities, terrifying peaceful citizens. In my village we have two rival crews – “The Jamsterz” (they get really cross if you spell it with an s at the end) and “The Naughty Dough Boys” (they get really cross if you spell it with a z at the end). Both gangs are armed to the teeth with jam-squirters, deep-fat fryers, and this machine that pokes out your middle and turns you into a ring.

Nobody knows when or how their rivalry started but trust me, they can be very mean to each other. As one of the doughnut gangsters – known on the streets as “The Ring-Master” – told me: “It’s a war out there in the bakery aisle. A doughnut can get glazed for the colour of his sprinkles. I’m so scared I’m thinking of quitting this life and turning into a bagel”. 

So, you see, doughnuts are dangerous. Stay away from them, kids. Or they might just ruin YOUR life too.

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